This week I am exploring our mindsets and how they can be associated with the good feelings conjured up during this special time on the calendar that we call Thanksgiving. This is a week that is often filled with family events, special rituals, and the resulting release of dopamine and oxytocin in patterns that make us want to do it all over again. Those warm feelings that flow through our neurologic system often happen when you allow yourself to slow down and embrace your most important relationships all while working less. Gathering as a family, partaking in traditional and special foods, and not feeling the pressures of providing gifts are a nice contrast to Thanksgiving’s seasonal companion, Christmas. I love getting together and connecting with my loved ones. I know for me that it feeds my internal reward system and makes me want to savor, enjoy, and then replicate it the next year. Over the years, I have found the following mindsets to be pillars to making this week special, but also are important mindsets to have for our long-term well-being.
1. Contentment in Life
One of the special features of this holiday is how it informs us to reflect on all of the many blessings we have in our life. The key idea is pausing long enough to consider all that you currently have rather than what you hope to have, or are striving to have. It involves being present and thankful in the here and now. Rather than being driven to acquire more resources or a better quality of life, it’s beneficial to take a deep breath and express with sincere gratitude all that you are grateful for in the present.
The list can be simple to exhaustive, but the exercise of actually either vocalizing it or writing it down helps frame a mindset of learning to be content in life, regardless of the circumstances that surround you. A mindful acceptance of your current state in life while learning to let go of phantom dreams of affluence can create a tremendous sense of freedom. It is truly the power of being content with your present life, your current identity, and your state of well-being.
I believe doctors in particular must actively combat the allure to “keep up with the Jones”. The gathering of friends and family during the holiday brings on the inevitable comparison game between you and others. Of course, everyone expects the doctor’s life to be the pinnacle of the American Dream—high income, prestige, and the good feelings of helping others altruistically. But I would say that these elements are not what bring the most contentment to life because income, power, and prestige can become cheap proxies for true happiness. Rather, the simplicity of being content with your non-medical identity and your relational connection to friends and family from all walks of life can bring a sense of peace, humble satisfaction, and meaning that supersedes your professional status.
As the first to go to college in my family circle, I get it because I am often viewed as the “gold boy and his family”—but the honest truth is one of the things that I revel in during these holidays is simply being a member of a family whose innate value and connection to one another are not based upon a degree, vocation, or my finances. Rather it is rooted in the bonds of the relationships in the room. They make me grateful for where I have come from and keep me grounded in the present. I enjoy the conversation with my uncle who is a trailer factory worker as much as the words exchanged with my sister who is a nurse.
Those family bonds are what undergird our annual family pilgrimages back to our home sites. This homecoming migration is such a powerful ritual in our country because it keeps us connected with our past but also sheds light on our future. It hopefully allows growth in our non-judgment of those within our family circle who a different than us. This often leads to a curious pursuit of respectfully understanding those differences and then celebrating the diversity of life found in your social circle. That diversity helps engender personal kindness to others as we love them for who they are, not who want them to be. The same is true for how they view me, not through the cloak of the rich doctor, but rather the commonness of our humanity that is celebrated around the table.
2. Pause From The Routine
One of the other powerful elements of this week is the way it forces each of us to take a pause in our midweek to break up the monotony of the routine. It’s one of the reasons that I love Thanksgiving because it stands alone among the major holidays in that it is not rotating in terms of the day of the week, nor does it happen on a Monday. Unlike its companion holidays which are often framed as 3-day holidays. Thanksgiving often is associated with 4 days of pausing from your normal routine and work life. Of course, the exception is if you work in the retail, food, or logistics business—because you might dread it due to your “loss of those 4 days off”.
Even in our medical world, this week leads to some time off from the normal routine of Monday-Sunday work weeks. It is a forced mid-week break that joyfully allows you to take a deep breath whether you are on call, have to round at the hospital, or still have to work a shift at the clinic. We all know how it goes, everyone wants to avoid being in the hospital, or sick just before the holidays. So there are fewer elective procedures, an emptying of the acute care hospital, and a transition of the clinic schedule from routine visits, to more acute and urgent medical problems. Since I deliver babies, I know life still rolls on regardless of the holiday calendar, but the cadence is different this week. And that is a welcome feeling because of the way it makes me pause. Pausing to rest, pausing to reflect, and pausing to express my thankfulness for my life and the circle of loved ones that surround me.
This brings me to my last reflection on the loved ones in my home. Life is best experienced with others and not alone.
3. Doing Life with Others
This season makes me feel connected to my spouse and family in a way that supersedes the pleasures afforded to our middle-class lifestyle. It’s less about things and more about the special joy of doing life together by experiencing various holiday events and rituals together. This broadly includes sharing our love with our parents, siblings, and children which is symbolized the simple effort to gather together and break bread. We love playing games together, laughing, eating, celebrating, crying, praying, mourning, and simply sitting with one another. It’s pure, it’s not performance-based, and it is special in the terms of the memories it produces for each year—that build on top of the prior year’s experiences and memories.
I know, I know—one must be careful about bringing up politics, business, and religion during these times. However, both the congruity and the diversity of family make these subjects so enriching if you can respectfully broach them without forcefully proselytizing your personal views. When handled well, they create connections, bonds, and mutual edification through loving communication and mutual understanding of one another. Feeling understood is one of the fundamental components of healthy relationships. None of these family bonds and communities are predicated on belongings, social class, wealth, or a host of other proxies for social groups. Rather these times together fill our emotional tanks and fuel our well-being in a very special way due to their existence in a non-judgment zone. They go beyond the surface and tap into our core identities as humans, and allow us to revel in our sense of belonging to something bigger than ourselves. In essence, we celebrate being human beings rather than human doings. For doctors who are ever-pressed with their jobs and doing things, this week provides you and me with a welcome pause and an opportunity to reflect on the things that should be most important to each of us.
It’s usually not possessions or work, but the most important things are commonly our relationships.
Take time this week to reflect and gratefully communicate your gratitude for all the special people, experiences, and relationships that are valuable to you this week.
Use this as a time to fortify these powerful mindsets of contentment, pausing from the routine, and the value of others in your life. They will help you thrive as a physician.
