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Written by Cheyenne Stillson
The Life of a Resident Spouse.
It is all in phases. One phase, then the next. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. First a medical student, then a resident, to becoming an attending. I imagine it won’t stop here.
A “doctor” has always held the professional tag of being in a strong, renowned position (and for good reason). I mean saving lives doesn’t come easily. However, no one really talks (or knows) about the reality of the sidekick, the wing-man, or the wing-woman who may be tracking the same steps with that medical student, resident, or attending doctor. As a wife of a current resident, I can say that ease has not always been the answer or outcome.
The Roller Coaster
Let me pause, however, and make sure to say that the last 4 years of medical school and the first branch of residency have been a roller coaster full of fun, adventure, unexpected life changes, bloomed friendships, and much more! I would not trade this period of our lives for anything. Though, let me focus on the word “our” for a minute. This entire medical process has truly become a “we” thing, an “us” thing. I talk with other resident spouses often and it is common that we treat this medical process as our own, even if we hold different job titles or professions. The process is fun and intense all at the same time, affecting all areas of the family structure. So if you hear a resident spouse say “Back when ‘we’ were in medical school”…just roll with it, because they truly felt every level of volatility alongside the actual student.
The Emotional Ups and Downs
The joy of being a spouse of a resident is that you can partake in and absorb their unique stories from their day at work, you can support them on night shifts, and you can hug them after a day that may have been heavily emotional for them. You get to witness them save lives, develop confidence in their specialty, and find purpose in their field. On the days they come home feeling physically or mentally beat down, you get to be that person to smile for them.
On the flip side, the spouse can feel burdened in many ways. After speaking with several spouses over the years and living alongside some currently, a common theme is feeling inconsistent. Due to busy schedules that change every month or week, it is hard for the spouse to get into their own rhythm. Another theme I have heard and felt is feeling on hold. This is why I first mentioned phases. The phases of the medical process can sometimes make it hard for the spouse to see long-term and visualize the next steps…But the reality is we just don’t really know yet.
“To Be Determined”
It sometimes feels like we kind of live in a “to be determined” mindset, until the next decision time comes around. This mindset can be fun, spontaneous, and thrilling… but in other ways, it may make the spouses feel a little directionless in their jobs, careers, or home life.
I can only speak to my own experience. I believe the process has probably been better for some, and worse for others. All to say, the medical journey is quite the maze…full of excitement, tears, laughter, and precious unknowns. Yet, a sacrifice that is worth every penny.
As “we” take on residency day by day, we are already starting to plan for the “next”. What is our personal life going to look like? What kind of contract will he land? How should we structure our businesses? How should he market his knowledge and expertise to build the life he (and we) may want?
Let me end with my answer to the above questions… to be determined.
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